Agent to the Stars - by John Scalzi

Thanks to a great sale at Audible, a service that I endorse to all commuters on a level that should earn me a kickback or two from said service, I picked up a copy of John Scalzi's Agent to the stars, read to me by Wil Wheaton, an actor best known for his work on a program titled Star Trek: The Next Generation.

He played the charming, be-sweatered young man known to all as Wesley Crusher.

I suppose that since it has been eighteen years since Mr. Wheaton portrayed this character, it might be unfair to reference it willy-nilly, but that picture makes me feel superior to Wil, even with my professional acting experience being limited to a bastardized Christmas Carol/Cirque du Soliel mash-up as Scrooge's nephew and the star of the comedy pre-show. I had to do many things that one might consider embarrassing, but I never had to wear the above costume.

The book!

Agent to the Stars follows the life of a mid-level Hollywood agent who has just been given the client of a lifetime, an entire alien race. In their study of humanity, this race of gelatinous beings who communicate by what amounts to farting at one another have realized they need help being spun in a positive light before making first contact. It falls on the shoulders of this agent to discover a way, in secret, to introduce humanity to aliens while his clients go crazy and a tabloid reported tries to sink his career.

Here's the part where I retract my previous low-blow to Mr. Wheaton and replace it with a "bravo, sir".

He did a fantastic job reading as the various characters and was a contributing factor in the breaking of my "save it for the commute" rule for audio books.

I'm a big fan of Mr. Scalzi, particularly Old Man's War and its companion novels. This book was a departure for what I would consider "Scalzi Proper", but it was still a lot of fun.

If you have read Scalzi before, and are looking for a quick and easy read that will make you chuckle, you should give Agent to the Stars a read/listen.

If you have never read any Scalzi, read Old Man's War.

Drive - 2011

Before I dive in to my review, let me say that I never saw the movie poster until this moment, and the sentence "From the producer of 'Wanted'" would have been enough for me to write Drive off for all time, and I would have been robbing myself of a delightful experience.

Drive (or, how to have 100 minutes of movie with only 20 minutes of dialog) was a staggeringly good crime drama about a young man who is, by day, a Hollywood stunt driver and local mechanic and, by night, a getaway driver for area criminals. Upon becoming entangled in the life of his neighbor and her young son, he finds himself in circumstances much larger than he signed up for as his entire world comes crashing down in a deluge of death, destruction and dangerously daring driving.

The style of this film completely blew me away. I am a major nerd for good lighting, and this had some of the best I have seen in years. Add to that the moody soundtrack, moments of insane violence, and a unique dashboard-and-windshield-perspective during the high-speed antics and you have a recipe for a movie that keeps the viewer on the edge of their seat.

One thing that may have been overlooked by a casual viewer was that this was, in point of fact, a superhero movie. Our hero has everything you need to fit that mold.

Costume: Check
Power: Check (sort of)
Damsel in Distress: Check
Alter ego: Check (sort of)

The costume in question involves aviator sunglasses, a toothpick, leather gloves, a hammer and the most memorable jacket of all time. I would love to see a sequel or prequel to Drive about the exploits of The Silver Scorpion Jacket.

I even gave you the name of the movie, Hollywood... what's stopping you?

My wife and I, being the amazing people that we are, could not get the this song out of our heads while watching the movie.

If you enjoy ultraviolent, stylized dramas about crime, you should see this movie.
If you think that movies with violence are abhorrent, you should not see this movie.

Beverage-Air BM23C-B Direct Draw Beer Refridgerator (or the 1980's equivalent model)

First an foremost, praise to craigslist.org and the many bargains and rare finds you can obtain through that service.

I acquired the kegerator for $100 back in the summer of 2010. It's roughly 30 years old, and its newer counterpart retails for about $1,200 - $1,500. It being a $100, largely neglected, piece of equipment, I understandably had some technical troubles. The compressor fan would jam until I bent each blade into a new shape that wouldn't catch on other parts. The unit would suddenly stop cooling (ruining a 5 gallon batch of beer). It had, on occasion, delivered a minor electric shock to me when I would mess around with components.

The modern BM23C-B

I had it unplugged for about 3 months since there was no beer being brewed in the last trimester of my wife's pregnancy. I plugged it in 2 days before I intended to keg my latest batch of homebrew only to have it trip a breaker. This upset me greatly since my breaker box is located in what I lovingly refer to as my "dead hooker basement". It's the type you would expect to see on the news after hearing the phrase: "Local man arrested after the an anonymous tip led to the discovery of the bodies of seventeen women in the basement of his suburban home." A basement not at all unlike this:

Internet example of a creepy basement. I decided not to search for the term "dead hooker" at work.

After I bravely reset the breaker, I went back to the safety of my main floor and began again. This time, I turned off the kegerator thinking it must be on the same breaker as our new mini-fridge that we recently acquired for keeping baby bottles upstairs. Having worked as an electrician for a year, I have seen stranger wiring jobs than a circuit upstairs having a few outlets downstairs. I unplugged the mini-fridge and went back downstairs to turn on the kegerator and what happened next can only be described as a lesser 4th of July celebration exclusive to the gap between fridge and wall.

I quickly shut off the impromptu and anachronistic celebration and hovered over the area looking for signs of a fire. There was none. I then examined the rear of the device looking for the culprit. The wire that powered the compressor fan was so old that it had hardened and cracked in at least 7 individual places that I could see.  There were "arc marks" all over the compressor, and I was filled with a dread that I had killed my mighty kegerator.

The next day, I set about the task of replacing the wire in question and was met with more than simple success. Not only did the kegerator work, but it worked better than ever. It no longer sounded like a single stroke diesel engine when the fan was running, and it reached the temperature I desired in approximately 30 minutes.

I cannot put this more plainly. No other fridge in the history of keeping items cool in a contained space can compare. It's clearly almost impossible to kill the thing, and can run strong for at least three decades.


If you want beer on tap where you live/work/play, and you have disposable income, you should buy one today.

If you want beer on tap where you live/work/play, and you do not have disposable income, you should lurk on craigslist, ebay, or your preferred previously owned retailer site until you can track one down.

My Left Foot - 1989

Daniel Day-Lewis can out-act any chump in Hollywood! (with a couple notable exceptions to that blanket statement)

Many of us have come to know, admire, fear, or respect Mr. Day-Lewis for his impressive performances in movies like There Will Be Blood.  But, 22 years ago, he gave an Oscar-winning portrayal based on the real life story of Christy Brown, a young Irish artist/author born in the 1930's with Cerebral Palsy. 

If you have ever known, met, or seen a person with cerebral palsy, you will be absolutely floored by his performance. Told in flashbacks, you get to see his journey from a young man incapable of communicating with his family to an adult who has mastered painting, writing, speech, and the consumption of whiskey(like any good stereotypical Irishman).  He so flawlessly mimics the speech and motion of a person with cerebral palsy that it is easy to forget that he is a healthy man with full control of his faculties.

The pace of the movie is on the slow side, but the amazing acting by the entire cast more than makes up for the occasional lull in the plot. I was also taken aback by the love, acceptance and involvement of his entire family.  Even in today's "enlightened society" there is a whole lot less love to go around for people who are different from ourselves. There are many touching scenes where family members proudly show that Christy is not an incidental member of their family, but a key, critical, loved part of the whole.

If good acting is your cup o' tea, you should see this movie.

If you want a director like Michael Bay to blow up Dublin 6 ways to Sunday, you should watch something else (and kindly don't breed)

TiMER - An indie film that DOESN'T make you vomit in your mouth

First of all, my apologies. I know you rely on my profoundly developed opinion and I have let you down.

Now that my [forced] apology is behind us, and you know you are going to forgive me, let's dive in to TiMER.

The basic premise of the movie sounded like a decent genre-mashing good time. There exists a device one may have implanted with a timer displaying days, minutes and seconds in a countdown. Said device is blank unless your "soul mate" also has one. If that's the case, then the display will begin counting down to the moment when the two of you will meet and find true love in one another. This could be almost instantaneous, or decades down the line.

This "Sci-fi Dramedy" follows the life of a woman in her late 20's whose timer is blank, and her sister who is set to meet the love of her life in 15-20 years. It manages to raise very good questions about love, trust, casual dating and reckless promiscuity and never ceases to keep your attention.

It's not a gut-busting, roll on the floor and pee your delighted bladder out all over the carpet comedy. It's not a serious, search your soul for meaning drama. It's not an epic sweeping tale of the distant future where machines harvest your organs for their robotic version of pleasure. It is, however, a solid movie.  There was even a moment that made my wife laugh so hard she woke our sleeping infant, I kid you not. Let's see how it scores on my newly made indie movie checklist of wins and woes.

Wins:

Interesting Plot - Check

Good Soundtrack - Check

New to the viewer talent - Check


Woes:

Needlessly "arty" - nope

Unrealistically weird characters to whom the viewer cannot relate or connect - nope

Painfully obvious low budget - nope

You should watch this movie if you like good movies

You should not watch this movie if you don't wish to wake nearby sleeping infants.

Spencer Horsman at Illusions: Magic Bar and Lounge - Baltimore

As my wife and I ambled about the Federal Hill neighborhood of Baltimore, MD, we passed a curious looking building with a marquis advertising a magic & comedy show that very evening.

Here are the facts:

Every Friday & Saturday at 9pm (though it really didn't start until 9:30 or 9:45)
$7. Or, to quote the owner, 2 for $14.
2 drink minimum. But they have a couple decent beers for $3, a few OK ones for $4, and some good ones for $5.
We laughed almost the whole time. 

So, if you went for the cheapest possible route, you are talking about $13 per person plus tip, and this is not a case of "you get what you pay for".  Spencer's comedic timing is on par with his ability to amaze. One moment he is dropping a clever anecdote, the next he is retrieving a purloined twenty dollar bill from within a newly cut orange, then he is hanging upside down and attempting to escape from a straight jacket ala Harry Houdini.

You can barely even see a movie for $13 a person, and most theaters don't have the beer and single malt scotch selection of Illusions.

Be warned, he does call on members of the audience to come up and assist. If you don't want to go on stage, keep your mouth shut about it being your birthday, how far you drove, and please don't go with the kinds of friends that will volunteer you into participating.

You should see this show if you are in Baltimore on a Friday or Saturday night and have $13 plus tip.

You should not see this show if if you are in Copenhagen and only have 2 Euros.

The Town - 2010

Is all the world mad?????

This movie is held in high esteem by moviegoers and critics alike, and for the life of me I cannot figure out why. The basic premise is so far from believable that it took an extreme effort to even pay attention. The pace of the story moved from 5 minutes of high tension robbery to 45 minutes of the most unconvincing romance ever played out on the screen, continuing that cycle until the movie eventually fizzled out into closing credits.

Lord grant me the strength to continue reviewing this pointless shell of a film.

My BS detector was firing high pitched sirens in my brain every time one of the "characters" had to "act" in a "scene". Granted, I know very few professional bank robbers, "people" from Boston, or FBI agents. Even with a lack of expertise, I know fake when I see it... and those characters were just plain fake. The icing on the cake was that after all the crime, murder, drug abuse and so forth, the creators of the film had the audacity to dedicate it to the good people of the Charleston neighborhood of Boston, AKA Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film.

If you have not seen Heat, watch that instead of this movie.

If you have seen Heat, re-watch that instead of this movie.